Why People Keep Pulling Away

[00:00:00] Chalene Johnson : Have you experienced a string of breakups? Maybe you just keep running into these really toxic people. If you’ve ever wondered if you’re just picking the wrong people or if you might be the problem, this is the episode for you. Today, we’re going to take a closer look, and I just wanna commend you for being here.

[00:00:16] Chalene Johnson : You’re here because you don’t want drama, you don’t want strife, you wanna be happy and fulfilled by your relationships. So in order to do that, we’ve gotta get to the bottom of it. We’ve gotta figure out, why does this keep happening? Today, I’m gonna help you figure out if it’s you, you’re the problem.

[00:00:33] Chalene Johnson : This episode is one that’s really going to require you to take an honest look, and you are hopefully motivated by your desire to have peace, to have happiness. It… Nobody wants to have fallouts in their relationships. Nobody wants to be in a toxic friendship or in a, another failed relationship with a significant other.

[00:00:56] Chalene Johnson : We want happiness. We want unity. We want peace. We want balance. We want tranquility in our relationships. That’s what makes us happy. That’s what makes us live longer. And let’s face it, relationships take two people. But often, there’s one person who’s more emotionally mature, one person who’s more of a giver, one person who’s a little more balanced and healthy.

[00:01:16] Chalene Johnson : That’s just the nature of bringing two people together. One is gonna be more than the other, and I think it’s really important that we take a look at ourselves and ask ourselves, and answer very honestly, where we might be contributing to the problem. Today, I’m gonna help you identify seven signs that might mean you are the problem.

[00:01:36] Chalene Johnson : Number one: Do you have a lot of relationship problems? You tend to have lots of struggles on a romantic basis, whether you’ve been married four times or you just can’t seem to find the right guy, the right gal. Like, you just have a lot of problems when it comes to your romantic life. And you might think, “Well, I just keep meeting the wrong person,” or that, you know, “I just haven’t found, like, Mr.

[00:02:00] Chalene Johnson : Right or Mrs. Right,” whatever that is. But if you’re continually finding that there’s problems in those relationships and/or your friend relationships, like, it’s just very difficult for you to maintain long-term friendships. Now, all of us have– Even the person who I can think of who’s probably the most problematic, I’ve got a couple of acquaintances, I won’t say friends.

[00:02:19] Chalene Johnson : Acquaintances who it’s like, “Wow, do they not realize, like, they repeat this pattern with every single person?” Even those people, they do have some long-term friendships because they have so much history with that person they consider a long-term friendship. I think it’s more important to ask yourself, is it difficult for you to make new friends and keep new friends?

[00:02:38] Chalene Johnson : If the answer is yes, it’s very likely you’re the problem Having super hydrated skin at my age is super important. Have you tried OneSkin body lotion? It’s a lotion with a patented peptide that specifically targets aging cells, tackling, like, thin skin, crepey skin. It improves firmness. It keeps your skin hydrated and plump.

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[00:03:31] Chalene Johnson : Again, it’s OneSkin. It is freaking amazing. Having super hydrated skin at my age is super important. It’s something I care very much about, and to find a product like this that actually works is remarkable. So if you haven’t yet tried OneSkin, go to chalene.com/lotion and try it for yourself Number two, when your relationships do end, it’s really easy for you to identify and even to share with other people the reason why the relationship ended was because, and you fill in the blank on all the things the other person was or did or what you figured out.

[00:04:11] Chalene Johnson : But you very rarely identify things that you may have done that contributed to it. So more often than not, if, if a relationship has ended, whether it’s romantic or friendship, and somebody asks you about it, like, you’re quick to not just tell people what the other person did wrong or what you found out about them or whatever it is.

[00:04:29] Chalene Johnson : You just don’t see any of your own personal responsibility. And even if you do, you’re not gonna share it with people. This often happens with people who have been hurt and wounded. It’s a safety mechanism. I don’t need to be able to see my own failures, because that would be very painful. In the mind of somebody in this position, arrogance protects you.

[00:04:50] Chalene Johnson : Believing that you are above that, that you could do no wrong, not being able to see your own wrongdoing, not being able to see your own shortcomings, is a lack of humility that creates this pattern that repeats over and over and over again. It’s very difficult to communicate with someone who has an inability to see their own wrongs, who has the inability to have empathy for the other person’s position.

[00:05:14] Chalene Johnson : And empathy means, like, understanding when you have relationships, what is it that triggered that person in that way, and how can you be empathetic to them, towards them? How can you offer them grace? How can you be kinder in your approach and instead of being so rigid and challenging, maybe e- even in your opinions?

[00:05:30] Chalene Johnson : So for somebody, if you’re regularly finding that when relationships end, it- it’s like, “Well, here’s all the things that they did,” there’s a very good chance that you h- have a blind spot for your own arrogance. Number three, you might be the problem if most of your relationships end in a pretty dramatic fashion.

[00:05:50] Chalene Johnson : I mean, we all have friendships where you just grow apart. Maybe they move to another city, or you’re single, ready to mingle, and your girlfriend, who’s the same age, is married, has three little kids, and your lives are just very, very different. So there isn’t this dramatic breakup. Rather, you just kind of slowly drift apart, and oftentimes those friendships drift back together at a later stage in your life.

[00:06:17] Chalene Johnson : I love it when that happens. I think it’s the coolest thing ever, and I’d love to know from those of you who, if you’ve experienced that, like you’ve had a friendship that just kind of drifted apart because you’re in different seasons, but then eventually your seasons kind of leveled out and you came back together.

[00:06:32] Chalene Johnson : Because it’s really important that we not take that personal, and oftentimes we do. It’s like, “Oh, this person doesn’t have time for me,” but, like, are they in a different season? But again, you might be the problem if your relationships don’t end or drift apart. Rather, they explode. There’s a dramatic ending to them.

[00:06:49] Chalene Johnson : It’s intense. There’s an argument. There’s a drawing of the line in the sand. There’s a confrontation. There’s a, a lot of hurt feelings, a lot of emotion, a lot of drama around it. If that’s happening on a pretty regular basis when your friendships and your, whatever, romantic relationships And there’s a very good chance you might be the problem.

[00:07:10] Chalene Johnson : Number four, you might be the problem if your beliefs around how relationships should look or are going to look are very rigid. For example, if you have the belief that most people are not good, they’re users, and they may appear to be your friend, but they really don’t care about you. Or if you have this belief that, like, most guys are dogs, or most men cheat, or most women are only after money, or most new friends just wanna be friends with me because I fill in the blank.

[00:07:39] Chalene Johnson : If you have negative beliefs around relationships before they even start, and you struggle with relationships, you might be the problem. And this often relates to our own attachment issues. If you had a parent or both parents who you couldn’t rely on them, or for whatever reason, maybe there was drugs or alcohol, or there was a divorce and they left, or you felt abandoned as a child.

[00:08:04] Chalene Johnson : For whatever reason, if you didn’t feel a safe, secure home, if you didn’t have that kind of attachment with your parents, oftentimes those things show back up in our adult relationships, our relationships with friends and with significant others. We will have these beliefs that people who are in a relationship with us, that they’re supposed to do a certain thing, even though we haven’t communicated that to them.

[00:08:28] Chalene Johnson : I recall a friend of mine very upset that a mutual friend hadn’t reached out to her after she had posted something very meaningful on Instagram. And I challenged the friend and said, “Do you even know if this person saw that post? I mean, a lot of us follow a ton of people.” And, you know, we kinda walked through that process, but what was really clear to me is that the friend who was upset that the person hadn’t reached out to them, that that was really a matter of an attachment issue.

[00:08:58] Chalene Johnson : And this friend did have a very trying set of circumstances growing up, and a lot of challenges from the people who were supposed to be protecting her and who she was supposed to have this safe, secure attachment with, and she didn’t. And it just… You can see that it shows up in her relationships in unexpressed, uncommunicated expectations.

[00:09:18] Chalene Johnson : So those expectations are there, but she hasn’t expressed those to her friends or significant others. And so that’s gonna be a theme that’s gonna show up for her over and over again in her friendships. So ask yourself, think about your own situation. What was your attachment like to your parents? Was it safe and secure?

[00:09:34] Chalene Johnson : Did you feel like all of your needs were met? Did you ever worry? Did you feel like you had been abandoned? Did you feel unsafe? Did you feel unsecure? If that’s true, you did not feel safe, secure, et cetera, there’s a very high likelihood, unless of course you’ve done a considerable amount of therapy, that these patterns are gonna show back up in our adult relationships If you’re a woman over 35, this message is very important, so please stop whatever you’re doing, pay attention to this for just a moment.

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[00:12:38] Chalene Johnson : As I mentioned, they work with most major insurance carriers, and they’re adding new ones every single day. Please, don’t wait. Chalene.com/midi. Number five, the same patterns keep repeating, and you think it’s a string of bad luck. Now, I’ve witnessed this on a friendship level, I’ve witnessed this on a professional level, and I’ve witnessed this on a romantic, significant other level.

[00:13:03] Chalene Johnson : I mean, not me personally. I’ve witnessed it with other people. In one situation I can think of, I was interviewing a potential new candidate for Team Johnson, and as I was going through this individual’s resume and looking at their past work history, of their last three positions, I asked them to tell me, you know, why things didn’t work out there or h- how it was when they left.

[00:13:23] Chalene Johnson : And with each and every past experience, past job that they had, they kind of told the same story about how they were the savior, and they did everybody else’s work, and how they were underpaid and undervalued, and their boss was a narcissist and this ruthless tyrant, and everybody wanted to quit, so they quit that job.

[00:13:43] Chalene Johnson : And then the next story of their work history after that was something very similar, where they worked for this person who was a narcissist, and they were… felt like it was an abusive work environment. And so this pattern just kept repeating and repeating. To me, like, that’s a major red flag. This is a person who these patterns, when they repeat themselves over and over again, you’re probably the problem.

[00:14:05] Chalene Johnson : Another situation I can think of is an acquaintance who I was listening to her retell how in the last, like, 10 years, she’s, like, every single person who she’s become close with, that they stab her in the back, and they gossip about her, and they were never really her friends. And, you know, they hurt her feelings, and then she has this big blowup and where she won’t accept their apologies, never wants to speak to them again, cuts them out of her life, and goes back to her old high school girlfriends.

[00:14:32] Chalene Johnson : Well, this is a pattern, and the common denominator is you So you might be the problem. The sixth sign that you might be the problem is you’re very quick to judge. You’re quick to judge people even before you enter into a relationship with them. You have these beliefs about who they are and how it’s gonna turn out, and all people like this do that.

[00:14:56] Chalene Johnson : You have these judgments that you create when you’re in a relationship with a friend or a significant other, and if they do a certain thing, you just decide in your mind, you judge it without taking in more information, without hearing their side, without expressing empathy, without taking the time to listen and to communicate and try to imagine what things are like from their perspective, what it’s like to deal with you.

[00:15:24] Chalene Johnson : All of these things. If, if you’re just quick to cut people off, to judge, to decide that you don’t like someone even before you’ve given them a chance and gotten to know them, there’s a very good possibility you’re the problem. The seventh sign that you might be the problem is that everything’s kind of a big deal.

[00:15:43] Chalene Johnson : I find that the people who tend to have the most strife, the most upheaval, the most challenges in their relationships, they just don’t know how to let things roll off their back. Everything is a big deal. And I know what you’re thinking. Well, n- it’s not a big deal for me, like, it actually… That actually was a big deal.

[00:16:02] Chalene Johnson : But was it? But was it? If you tend to have to be right instead of maintaining the peace, and I’m not talking about rolling over and being like a doormat. I’m not talking about, like, allowing people to treat you terribly. I’m talking about being hypersensitive to things. You just don’t give people the grace that you would want.

[00:16:24] Chalene Johnson : And oftentimes I hear people who do this, they’ll say things like, “Well, I would never do that to somebody else.” Well, in that particular situation, that’s really important to you. But another situation, you might do something that that other person found slightly offensive or that they wouldn’t do, but they overlooked it I find that people who tend to be the toxic one in the relationship, you more often than not have these hard-drawn lines in the sand, and you’re unwilling to give and take.

[00:16:55] Chalene Johnson : You’re quick to be offended. You’re quick to be hurt. You’re quick to decide the relationship’s over and you can’t talk about it and you’re not gonna forgive this person. You’re slow to say, “I’m sorry.” In fact, if it’s really hard for you to say you’re sorry, if you’re not the one who more often than not says you’re sorry, then it’s probably…

[00:17:15] Chalene Johnson : It, it is probably hard for you to say you’re sorry, and that’s a- another big warning sign. It’s like a neon sign saying, like, you might be the problem. Relationships are hard. It’s two people who have different experiences. Even when… Even if you grew up in the same family, in the same house, even if it’s your twin sister, relationships are hard.

[00:17:33] Chalene Johnson : Relationships require us to have a good relationship with ourself. And if you aren’t confident in who you are, if you have trauma and hurt and pain from the past that you haven’t fully processed, it’s going to impact your adult relationships. And that’s not to say that that’s uncommon. It’s actually more common than not.

[00:17:54] Chalene Johnson : Most of us have things that we need to work through. But if it’s your relationships that are causing you grief- You have a difficult time communicating, expressing yourself. It, it just feels like people aren’t there for you. I want you to ask yourself if you’re there for you. Like, how do you show up for yourself?

[00:18:11] Chalene Johnson : All of these things, the signs I talked about today, like, are you treating yourself that way? Like, are you harsh and quick to judge yourself? Do you find fault in yourself? You know, when you’re having that relationship with yourself, it’s, it’s really hard if you’re not loving and kind and forgiving, non-judgmental with yourself.

[00:18:31] Chalene Johnson : It’s really hard to be those things with someone else, including your partner. It does require a level of confidence and humility to be able to be soft enough, to be quiet and listen and be empathetic, to forgive, to not make things such a big deal. Like, let it roll off your back. I mean, I’ve seen people end friendships over the fact that somebody forgot to call them on their birthday.

[00:18:59] Chalene Johnson : Well, I mean, really? Like, you think because somebody forgot to call you on your birthday, that means they, they don’t love you and they’re not a good friend? Like, I, you know, it’s just how we hold these weird ideals, I think we have to examine them, because at the end of the day, what makes us happy is people.

[00:19:17] Chalene Johnson : It’s not your weight. It’s not how much money you make. It’s not how pretty you are. It’s not how, what nice clothes you have. None of that, at the end of the day, is going to make you happy. What makes us happy is other people, right? Our relationships. And if your relationships aren’t what they need to be, instead of working on your relationships, I’m gonna give you some tough love right now, you need to work on you.

[00:19:42] Chalene Johnson : And that’s okay. There’s no shame in that. Like, I regularly do therapy. I do it not just for me, I do it because I wanna be a better wife. I wanna be a better mom to my adult kids. Hey, I love you. I mean it, and I’ll talk to you soon